From a young age, I have found the dynamic between men and women so juicy. Before I knew what intercourse was, I loved to flirt and be around boys—boys, boys, boys. Perhaps, this is from having three older sisters. I have watched them navigate interactions with men from secret parties to pregnancy. I have watched, and I have learned. I have learned things to do and what not to do. There are some things they have taught me verbally, but with these three rules here, they did not have to say a word. I simply observe, and see what works and does not work. I thank them for leading the way. From the observations of a baby sister and youngest daughter, here are three rules about dating:
Rule #1: Go with the bad boy who is good.
Let me explain. When we think of the stereotypical “bad boy” he is typically very masculine. It might be unhealthy masculine, but it is that macho, manliness that many women are attracted to. It just does something for us. Now imagine the aura of this bad boy, but he is actually a GOOD man. His masculinity is healthy. He knows how to defend you and himself. He is charismatic. He maintains a level of stoicism that is quite attractive because it seems like nothing can faze him. You feel safe with him. A man like this will be attractive to many women, and when you know your worth, this does not bother you at all. You have to know how you desire to be treated in a relationship. On this note, the actual bad boys stay bad. We cannot get a man to love us if he doesn't love himself. If he does not know his own worth, he will seek validation outside of you no matter how beautiful, successful, or giving you are to him. Speaking of giving, let’s move on to rule number 2.
Rule #2: He must be the one providing for you, or else you will be providing for him.
A woman has natural nurturing qualities. If you add monetary success to the mix, it might be easy for a woman to get in a predicament where she is the one providing. Men can be kind of sneaky. They know the right words to say to get certain things from you. Also, if you are in a dating relationship, not a marriage, and having sex with your man, it will be so much easier for him to swindle you into the provider role. Then, you find yourself giving up your love, money, and health for a man who is not doing anything for you. It is unfortunate, but I see a lot of Black women in these situations. There are so many reasons, and a big one is lust. When you take sex out of the equation, your eyes will be opened to his deceits. With sex in the equation, you are chemically bonded to the man, so it is harder to see the clear facts of what is going on. Another reason could be the attacks on the Black family structure. Many women are left to provide for the entire home because of absent or struggling fathers. When a daughter sees this growing up, without knowing there is a better way, she can think she is the provider. Allowing a man to come into your life and take care of you may even feel like a fairytale. One of my sisters had a man who would buy dinner for our whole family randomly. Although not a grand gesture, seeing this I learned that there are men who will provide for you and even go above and beyond. This leads us to rule number 3.
Rule #3: If he won’t, another man will.
If there is a need you have that is not being met, another man will meet it. There are probably men waiting for a chance to go on a date with you. In order to be open to them, you have to close the door on the loser. Seeing my sisters move on from relationships has been empowering. They may experience heartbreak, but that come back? There is a glow, less fat, more money, finer men, and greater opportunity. You do not have to stay put in a relationship. You are free to leave whenever you want. I know what it feels like to think you are stuck with somebody. It can feel like a mental cage, and the truth is there is no physical one. To free yourself of this mental cage, put what is in your mind onto paper. Set it free, so you can see that all the reasons you stay with someone who you do not want to be with are not enough to keep staying. Have a list of non negotiables; these will be qualities a man must have and things you will absolutely not put up with. Refer back to this list as needed. You have to have the mentality of knowing you are everything. You are beautiful, talented, and successful. Sometimes you will date a man to heal a part of yourself, and that is the extent. If he is the one for you, he will let you know with a proposal that you accept. If not, move on.
Being a youngest sister has enhanced my detective skills in the relationship department. I am able to see patterns, cycles, and clues. These three rules are a result of my detective work. As your sister, I encourage you to only date men that are making sure you stay golden.
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